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Optimism usually works best for me. I believe in its power and it is my genuine state of mind most of the time. Every now and then, however, even the most optimistic mindset can collapse. Maybe only for a few hours or days, but long enough to feel pain and to struggle.
At raptitude.com, David explains that fighting feelings or dreading an event is actually what causes us the most pain. If we let negative emotions happen only when they come along, we actually experience considerably less pain than if we push back and grit our teeth in anticipation. When I’m strong and optimistic those words make so much sense. When I’m tired and beginning to see the chores adding up or the needs of others encroaching on me, well then they just piss me off.
I don’t want anyone to talk “sense” to me. Or to be forced to consider that my problems aren’t that bad. Advice or commiseration isn’t welcome. All I want is for the uncontrollable thing, whatever it is, to stop. Quit. Like now. And, by the way, for everyone to leave me alone for a long time afterward.
So much for optimistic mindset, right? Indeed it’s the opposite. And such a state of mind is just as unwelcome as the thing I’m pissed about. I don’t want to be pissed. Or overwhelmed. Or sad. But here it is. Now what?
Fast forward and I’m finishing this post several days later. So what did I do the other night to get through the funk? I did exactly what this Raptitude post here recommended: I allowed the feelings to come and stopped engaging with “the story around” them.
I decided to live through each minute as it came and then allowed each of those very minutes to simply fall away. No resisting, ruminating or obsessing. It didn’t take long before the storm was past and I felt better. Once I abandoned the teeth gritting the accompanying feelings came and went almost unnoticed. I wouldn’t even be thinking about it right now except that I started this post in the middle of it. I therefore wanted to make sure I remembered what I did and that I could do it again anytime I needed relief.
That’s the amazing part about living only in the current moment. Pain and struggle happens and then it passes. We don’t regret mistakes for weeks on end, they happen and then you move on. Obsessing about a past mishap or worrying about something in the future doesn’t change the outcome, it just prolongs the discomfort and self-loathing.
Understand, however, that planning for the future or analyzing a mistake (so you can learn from it) are not the same as ruminating and fretting. The aforementioned actions are sensible and often effective. But even so, there is a time for that kind of work and then a time for it to pass, too. Locking yourself into planning mode (or analysis mode) is simply obsession and suffering with sugar on top. Don’t fall for it.
I dislike hearing the words, “let it go.” Yet, that’s what we need to do when we’re facing difficult events or feelings. But maybe there’s a new way to understand those words. They’re rather vague and don’t really mean what they sound like. If you have some chore or meeting or problem that you must work through, “letting it go” may essentially be impossible. You can’t just let the laundry go or give up on workplace meetings because you dread them.
But we can let go of the anxiety, the worry, the gritting of teeth. We can realize such actions only prolong our suffering and make that which we dread worse than it has to be. It’s exactly like ripping off a bandaid or cannon balling into that cold pool instead of inching your way in.
Let whatever you dread happen and deal with it when it happens, not for weeks, days, or hours before you have to. You can’t let go of the responsibilities in your life but you can certainly suffer a lot less because of them. If you decide to do so.