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Things like this still creep up on me when I least expect it. Like just when reading an article about Keanu Reeves. Turns out (no surprise, really) he’s a great guy and he works like crazy. And he’s driven to get even more out of himself. It’s inspirational, sure, but it’s also a not so flattering look in the mirror. I know that comparing myself to others is not wise, but c’mon! We’re the same age! I need to get moving.
I’ve always been curious about ambition and about the people who have it. It’s a necessary trait for the human race, no doubt, but it is not evenly distributed. Which shouldn’t be a surprise, I guess, since few traits are. Other than the desire to survive/avoid death, humans are remarkably unique in their personal worldviews and desires.
In fact, as I’ve discovered with myself, many of us haven’t really thought much about our worldviews. Maybe we’ve decided that we want a big house or a lucrative career or a warm and loving family, but then what’s next? Or maybe more accurately, what else?
As I compared myself to Mr. Reeves, I wondered why we were so different. Or for that matter, why I was so different from anyone else who has accomplished so much more than me. I’m not troubled or beaten down by the fact that I haven’t realized as many dreams as some other people, but I am curious. I’m circling around the idea that I’ve been focusing on for quite a while now: expectation, aka mindset.
Some call it belief. Even self confidence. Whatever you call it, it’s a prerequisite to any achievement, be it physical, intellectual, or creative. Before taking the actions that lead to your goals, you have to be reasonably sure that those actions are the right ones. That they’ll work. And that you have the talent, knowledge, and strength to complete all the steps.
That’s the ingredient I have lacked for most of my life. I told myself (and listened when others said it) that big dreams and massive success and accomplishment are not within my realm. I’m not cut out for such things. I’m better off staying small. Talented in some areas, yes. Conscientious and capable in others. But never off the charts awesome. Never the rock star. That’s not me.
Why did I buy into that? Because it seemed right, for one thing. I’m very comfortable being good but in the background. The employee who never calls in sick; the friend who always understands when someone has to cancel; the adult child who remembers her mom’s birthday.
That’s actually a comfortable place to be. If a background person screws up here and there, very few people will notice. If the roles I create for myself in life don’t affect many other people (or only affect them in superficial ways), then it’s okay if my performances are disappointing. Because that’s probably what’s going to happen if I try to climb too high on the accomplishment ladder: I’m going to fail. With “flying colors.” It’s worrisome enough to keep me from even considering the ladder to begin with.
I remember a conversation I had with one of my nieces a number of years ago. We were both in a church music group and each of us sang lead on some songs and harmony on others. I love finding unexpected vocal accompaniments and the feeling that a perfect harmony creates when I’m performing live with others. I remember telling her, “I actually prefer to sing backup.”
She laughed and immediately responded, “I’d rather sing lead!”
And for a few moments I thought about that. A moment of insight, I knew, but I ignored it. I didn’t think about that conversation for many years. Not until I started realizing I wasn’t going to live forever and maybe it was time to think about a career change. Or something even bigger.
People like Keanu Reeves must think quite differently from me when they’re alone and considering the course of their lives. In the article I referenced above, he didn’t really explain how he envisions his next project or what he does to stay motivated. But I can guarantee one thing: his internal voice is certainly not singing the same refrain as mine.
So what’s up with that? We’re his parents better than mine? Were the people around him uncharacteristically positive, supportive, and just gosh darn upbeat folks? Was there something about him that made people treat him a certain way? Or, even more interestingly, was he just a regular kid to everyone else but deep down he knew he was destined for big stuff?
Whether the answers to the above questions are yes or no (or even maybe) is, at this stage of my life, irrelevant. For curiosity’s sake, sure. What gives? But if the goal is to break free from one’s inner negativity and kick life into a higher gear, then all one needs to do is start. No wringing of hands, no blaming the past. Just get out there.
One new angle I’ve found (which may not be new at all to you readers) as I’ve considered Reeves’ accomplishments, is to be grateful for those who are kicking it. Not only the rock stars, the movie stars, the Nobel prize winners. But those role models in our own lives.
One of my favorites has always been my dad’s sister, Mary Louise. She didn’t write any books; she wasn’t an astronaut. Never ran for office or cured cancer. But she did live with joy in her heart every day. She had her share of tragedies and difficulties in life, but that never affected how she treated others. Mary Louise was always so happy to see me when I visited (she lived next door) or waved as my brothers and I traipsed through her backyard on the way to the woods. When I visited her as an adult with my own child, she always offered supportive words about whatever little difficulties I shared with her. Never judging or chastising. Just simple messages of encouragement.
Somewhere between Mary Louise and Keanu Reeves is the sweet spot for me. Neither is better than the other but their examples are signs along the way. You probably have a few individuals in your own life who are beacons. They can’t forge the trail for us and we can’t just copy what they’ve done. But we can learn from their actions.
I’ve always viewed the questioning, the wondering, the curiosity as signs that I’m conflicted or stagnant. But actually it’s simply part of the journey. If I’m not feeling it then I’m not moving forward. That’s good news, maybe even a breakthrough.
I bet Mr. Reeves would agree.