photo credit:Image by Moshe Harosh from Pixabay
Every now and then, I read something that really makes a difference to me. Either by clearing up a misconception or providing evidence for further research. An article by Jessica Wildfire (here) opened my eyes to something I’d long felt but had never actually identified: American society bullies people into having and valuing friends and stigmatizes those who disagree.
I know that sounds outrageous, but I truly believe it. Not because I, myself, don’t have or value friends. I base that observation on the wellness advice that medical and psychological research dumps on us. As a health and fitness conscious individual, I look for information about aging well, maintaining or improving strength and flexibility, and nutrition. One of the most common recommendations made in wellness studies is to maintain an active social network. A wide circle of friends, specifically, is frequently touted as the key to living long and healthy.
Something about that never really sat well with me. Partly because, while I do have several close friends, I do not have a “wide circle” of them. At different times in my life, I’ve had even fewer friends than I do now. So I would always wonder, when reading studies that promoted high social activity, whether my own social life was as vibrant as the study writers would recommend. Was I at a disadvantage because I’m basically introverted and have no interest in parties, networking, or social media?
Reading Wildfire’s post led to a breakthrough for me. Her feelings largely echoed mine, something I’m not used to. So I went looking for other sources of similar content and found “Why You Don’t Need Friends” . The author, Daniel Marston, Ph.D., states that it’s not friends we need so much as the social skills to interact successfully with those around us. Deep human connections are nice, but they are not necessary for survival or even for happiness. Here’s my favorite part of the article:
I bring this up because I have worked with a number of individuals over the years who have suffered because of their lack of ability to make or keep friends.
These often are individuals who have autism or some other condition or personality trait that leads them to have difficulties with social relationships.
But this also may be a problem that comes up just because a person is not the type of individual who makes or keeps friends easily or may have difficulties with friendships because of isolated location or frequent moves.
The truth I found in Marston’s and Wildfire’s articles made me wonder if all the previous studies and recommendations I’ve read had mistakenly interchanged “friends” with “social skills.” In fact, it seems very likely. If you have friends at all, you must possess some understanding of human nature. That understanding is the basis of one’s ability to interact meaningfully with others. In other words, understanding how to interact means we can get what we need, whether it’s companionship over a cup of coffee or getting a ride to work if your car is in the shop.
None of the reading I have done has differentiated social skills from friend possession, but it certainly makes sense to do so. That separation of circumstances makes future prospects less bleak in many ways. Think about that elderly neighbor or family member who has outlived all her friends and her generation in the family. We usually assume such folks are lonely and vulnerable. They have no one in their lives who truly understands their histories; no one with whom they’ve grown up or grown old. Isn’t that just so sad?
Not from this new perspective. A person who has lived longer than most or all of their family and friends isn’t automatically condemned to depression and isolation. Chances are they’ve learned quite a few skills when it comes to navigating difficulties and garnering support. You’ve probably met a few of them here and there: the older gentlemen who chats with you in line at the grocery store. The woman you met at the dog park because she’s there every Thursday morning. The manager at your apartment complex who checks up on her tenants regularly and knows everyone’s names. These people are interacting successfully with the folks around them and reaping the benefits. They may not go clubbing or raving, but they’re okay. They’re getting out and reaching out. They know how to live their lives.
Sometimes life changes; friends come and go. We, ourselves, change and seek new challenges and adventures. Passing through friendship deserts during our lives, or ending up in one as we age, need not be the end of the world. Needing skills over friendships is good news. It means we have a lot more power of our lives than we realize. Who wouldn’t want that?