Image by Cocoparisienne at Pixabay
This is not the first time I’ve approached the idea that striving toward a specific goal or career or social position is somewhat distasteful. At least if that’s supposed to be the most important thing in life: how you made a living, what objects you owned, who you knew. I tend to circle back to the “get me off the treadmill” mindset when I read something that challenges or supports that notion. Today it was something supporting that caught my eye:
“... You have to make your own happiness, wherever you are. Your job isn’t going to make you happy, your spouse isn’t going to make you happy, the weather isn’t going to make you happy… You have to decide what you want, and you have to find that way of doing it, whether or not the outside circumstances are going to participate in your success… You have to be able to create your own happiness, period. And if you can’t, then you need to find a good shrink who can help you figure out what it’s going to take.”
(https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/04/29/debbie-millman-good-life-project/)
Like, wow. This was cool and something that felt true; it seemed like something I’ve thought before. I don’t eschew wealth or hard work and I don’t judge those who chase affluence and status. But it’s never been my cup of tea. Knowing I didn’t want what others considered their holy grail had often left me mildly dissatisfied. What was wrong with me?
And of course, I do work hard. Lots of times. I especially enjoy physical tasks like mowing the lawn, planting and pruning things, running. Even cleaning the house is rewarding to me on most days. I have committed a lot of energy to my career and I don’t shy away from any responsibilities. So on the surface my behaviors seem quite mainstream. Even predictable.
But the difference is in the results. I started realizing, as a young adult, that much of the hard work I was doing was benefitting others a great deal more than me. Meaning the people who employed me or who had asked for a favor. And that’s okay, some of the time. Those who create jobs make investments and take risks. When they hire someone, they offer compensation for time and services. It’s not the employer’s responsibility to ensure my satisfaction in life.
The problem became that, for most of my twenties and thirties, it ended there. I had a job. Money came in. I bought stuff I needed (and didn’t need). Employment continued because mortgages and a child came into the picture. Sigh. The more stuff I bought, the more I needed to work. After so many years I began to wonder if this was all there was to life: get up (earlier than I wanted), go to work, do chores around the house, fall in bed exhausted. Repeat.
The productivity expectation is a hard one to negotiate. People define success in others by their assets and their accomplishments. They see that you have a nice house, a good looking spouse, an enviable and well paying career. Judgment is made: you passed! You are busy and accomplishing things. You have proven yourself worthy.
By the standards mentioned above, I’m good. My physical needs wish list is largely complete. The problem is that I haven’t changed course. I’m still mostly accomplishing things that aren’t that important to me. That’s what needs to change. And whose fault is it that I’m not working more on the things that matter to me?
Why, it’s mine of course. I can rail all day long at how shallow society is and the pressures put on me by my family or my spouse or my employer. But the truth is, I’m the one in charge of my life. If things are veering off course (or were never on course to begin with) then I have only myself to blame.
Because I teach high school, I’m still steeped in some of the myths we tell kids. You know them: work hard, be a team player, get into a good college. Why? So you can get a good job. And what do you need that for? Well, to buy all the stuff you need. Because according to convention, you need and want a lot, right? You hope to be able to have whatever it is you enjoy most in life. How can you expect to achieve your dreams without a good education and a good job?
The problem with that kind of thinking is not that it’s wrong. It’s that it’s partially wrong. And that’s where it gets complicated because no one argues that education is unimportant. Few people would discourage young people from seeking and earning a great job. But I never really thought past what would happen after earning that great job. I was taught to save for a “rainy day” and I did. But I still had money (not like Bill Gates kind of money but certainly more than I expected) sitting around. Now what?
Like other people my age, I bought stuff. Furniture. A house. Cars. Appliances that I saw in magazines. Comforters and shams (what a perfect name). Clothes. I also purchased some expensive toys: an RV, skis, scuba equipment. And then I used all that stuff, which means I paid more to go places so I could do the skiing, scuba diving, and camping.
Yes, I’ve had fun. And no, I don’t regret everything. In fact, I don’t believe in regret; meaning I don’t believe in bemoaning what could or should have been. I do, however, realize that I’d be able to retire/resign from my employment right now had I not spent so much of my “disposable” income throughout the years. That realization was a watershed moment.
I don’t blame anyone for not teaching me to develop a future oriented financial plan. School can only cover so much. And who knows, perhaps someone might have even tried. But I would have rejected it because when I was young I always assumed I wouldn’t have very much money. Why bother planning for it? That was like believing in fairy tales.
So as I’ve gotten older and outlived a few of my major debts (home mortgage and RV, to name a couple) I suddenly have more money. And I know that this small surplus, like everything else in life, will not last indefinitely. Respecting this abundance, I’m convinced, is the best course of action.
That doesn’t mean I become a miser. It just means no more mindless purchases. Like picking up dinner thoughtlessly on the way home or ordering a couch and loveseat because they’re on sale. Tending a surplus wisely is also showing gratitude for it. Karma should like that when I have what I need (and then some), that I recognize it.
Abundance will allow me to finally step out of the rat race and into work and endeavors that actually benefit me. Things I choose to do because I want to do them. That’s how I see success: freedom.
And it looks really good.